A different History of Niue

 (our interpretation)

Important notice to Students: The content of this page is not serious at all and many events described by us are not true. So for school assignments or research use websites such as Wikipedia or seafriends.org.nz. But if you want to have get a "Fail", OK, go ahead...

After all the volcanic action settled down, birds started singing, and much before coconut crabs started crossing Niue's roads, Polynesian sailors from Samoa and Tonga couldn't tolerate that bloody rooster from Niue (Pavarotti) screaming at 3:00 AM. They could hear the bastard from there. So they decided to go to Niue and put a cork in the animal's mouth. When the job was done, they went for a walk and liked Niue very much, so they call it "The Rock" and stayed happy forever. (The majority then later decided to live in New Zealand).

  Years passed, and one day in 1774 the "Intrepid" Captain James Cook was navigating nearby, when he saw "Da Rock". He had a stiff  neck due long periods looking up trying to fix the transit of Venus.( for some unknown reason it was out of orbit, I mean, Venus not Cook). He then decided to land in Niue but couldn't find a good anchorage. The Endeavour tried 3 times to climb a reef and that wasn't good to the ship. Cook searched different anchorages until he found the worst one, called "Opaahi Reef". (The wharf in Alofi is a much better place to dock ships, but Cook didn't know it by that time). Also what Cook didn't know was what about to happen next...

Cook tried to put his feet on "Da Rock" but the ferocious inhabitants of the Island feeling the terrible smell from the crew (not showering for months), started throwing spears at them. The legend says the "natives" painted the mouth red, so Cook thought they had blood in their mouths. But after visiting Opaahi Reef ourselves, we have another theory for the episode. It was not the red bananas that was the cause of the reddish in the native's mouth, but simple coconut crabs. To support our theory we submitted ourselves (and the coconut crab)  to the test, which proved that coconut crabs in your mouth are much more frightening than bananas. Also it proves that I am much uglier than Captain Cook. Anyway, a spear bounced on Cook's arm and almost killed the intrepid. Shaken by the episode, he decided immediately to leave to Tonga to have a shower there.

Disappointed with the rejection, and bitten all over the body by coconut crabs, Cook named the island "Savage Crabs", a name that lasted many years until someone ruled that coconut crabs are not guilty of anything, neither to be delicious, and changed the name to " Savage Island". Some years went by and another change was made, this time back to its original name, Niue, which means "coconut behold", that in plain English means..."How can coconuts grow on top of corals?".

But not everything was corals and palms in Niue. Lots of things were missing, such as an airport, a wharf, enough people, another generator, a beach, etc.etc... Anyway, the most important thing missing by that time was Christianity. During many years Samoans missionaries tried to land in Niue, ending up with the tip of theirs outrigger canoes stacked inside caves. One day, a local called "Nukai Peniamina" decided to do a PHD on the subject in Samoa, and came back to Niue in 1846 landing successfully on the north shore of the Island. The place is called Uluvehi in Matulau (today very easy to go by car and there are still some canoes stacked inside the caves).

Note 1: Peniaminas was responsible for bringing Christianity and peace to the Niue villages. Before Peniaminas, Niueans were fighting for the 'Giant Uga" a huge coconut crab living in the Tapu area of Havalu forest. "Ugabig" as the crab was called, was a diner matter of dispute between different villages among other culinary subjects, suck as who cooks the perfect Umu and who will kill the bloody roosters..

Note 2: Today the grave of Peniamina is located beside the road North of Alofi and can be visited by tourists free of charge.

In 1901, even the British got tired of Niue and decided to roll the rock to New Zealand, which at the first said NO. The reason behind this was a lack of tropical beaches and kiwis flying around, but when New Zealand discovered the beauty of Niue and Its people, things changed, and that famous phrase was pronounced: " If it is for the well being of all kiwis and Coconut Crabs, as soon as they don't kill each other, yes, we accept Niue".

 In 1974, New Zealanders became very scared and aware of Niue's Rugby team, capable of playing despite playing with buckets, coconuts, or a ball, and decided to build an airport. From that day on, Niueans didn't need to swim to New Zealand to dispute a Rugby tournament. But together with the players, their families, and cheerleaders, almost everybody decided to leave, leaving the Island with its actual 1600, 1599, 1598, 1597... inhabitants. Afraid of the consequences (on Rugby games) New Zealand and Niue firmed an agreement to live in " Free association" meaning that the coconut crabs are owners of their lands and kiwis pay for it. Robert R. Rex was the first Premier of Niue and spent 18 years learning how to play Rugby, I mean, learning to be in power.

2004 - Cyclone Heta almost sunk "Da Rock" and the destruction was a severe shock to Niueans and their fragile economy. Anyway, with the union and courage of its people, perhaps international help, Nuie is now back on its feet , stronger than even, better than ever, and greener than ever, now just waiting for the 20.000 + Niueans to come back.

2006 - Pacific Way Bar attracts locals and visitors alike due to cheap beers and good chat. I was told that even the Prime Minister Hon.Young Vivian sometimes relaxes after his duties and makes a presence over there.

2007 - The Fish Factory is working at full force. Fish of all natures, species, and sizes wait patiently at the door for you to eat them. They are the best fish I've ever seen in my life and we tried them. " Sublime" .You can buy them by Kilo and take it to your place to cook the way you want if you have facilities there. Also, you can take them to New Zealand or any other place in special containers ( I guess 20 kilos). The price is good and the fish is excellent.

2008 - Visitor from all over the world went to Niue to see what the Island has to offer. They couldn't believe their eyes when they saw the colour of the ocean, the Wales swimming nearby,  the coast, the fantastic caves, the forests, the snorkelling and scuba dive, the cheap price of the beer, the huge fish on the diner table. Most left their nails mark on the tarmac of the airport, because they just didn't want to leave paradise.

2020 - Niue is sinking near Alofi and Avatele. There are so many tourists on the Island that "Da Rock" can't handle it. Willie runs out of beers on Sunday by 11:00 AM, a tragedy on the Island for OZ tourists. To make things worst, all Niueans living overseas decided to come back at the same time. The NEW Air New Zealand flight, now arriving from 1:00 Am to 4:00 AM every 5 minutes, runs every day of the week. It is causing zillions of Coconut crabs and 20 million roosters to complain about lack of sleep. In front of Alofi's wharf, 3.000 sailboats are waiting at their buoys to be cleared by customs, but they are too busy processing visitor's driver's licenses. There are no rooms in the caves and the government has to hire cruise ships to accommodate everybody. 

We hope this never happens to Niue.

Cyclone Heta in 2004 left a huge trail of destructions in Niue Island